For...

So, I have not been here in a long time. It seems I only really write this for myself as no one else ever reads it, or at least no one ever leaves any evidence of having read it. So, this may be it for me.

Elusive

I saw someone out of the corner of my eye. I stepped out and no one was there, so I went back inside.

I became distracted and forgot I was watching and again I saw someone and went to look, but there was no one.

The next time, I was ready. I waited out of sight. Again they were there, but I was too slow. I know I felt something, but still I saw nothing.

Time

Inch by inch, bit by bit.

Wave goodbye.

You hardly notice anymore.

And only I know why.

Uncertainty

Does anyone else ever wonder at what point their world starts falling into place and all the individual parts of what they will become start lining up in whatever jagged and mysterious paths they need to form in order to become who they need to become?


I can trace a path from very near the beginning of my life to where I am now that shows exactly what stones in the road, both beneficial and detrimental, I stepped on that made me exactly who I am today.


At any given point, we may wonder if the next step is the right one. We might think of all the possible outcomes of that one step and all the different options taking that step opens, or closes. Does the endless pondering, in the end, change the eventual choice and thereby, the outcome? Or do blind leaps of faith serve more than just our spontaneous natures and actually yield the best results?

The further down the road one gets, it seems all those individual steps that seemed so important and full of possibility really only add up to the whole, and in retrospect don't always seem so earth shaking. Even the most horrible things don't always live up to the attention given them at the time.

Is the unknown always really so unknown? I am beginning to wonder.

Peace

The air is warmer and the breeze coming in the bedroom window at night is fresh and wonderful.

This morning I woke up to the sound of rain hitting the new leaves.

I love the serenity of this part of spring.

Flowers are beginning to bloom and days are getting longer.

I will always remember this as the time of year when the Northern Lights go away.

It seems an incredibly romatic notion now.

Until fall...

How would I know when I am happy, if it weren't for being sad?

I feel like a few rays of sunshine are creeping into my little gray patch of the world.

Spring always makes me feel unsettled and insecure.

Maybe this was the last time.

But I don't know how to make it better.

I have been on a string of sad days for a bit now.

I feel somehow poetically sad.

I really don't know if that is better, but I can pretend.

Who else is pretending?